I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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