It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
My balls are so social today.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
