I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i dont even know how to be here
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
