He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
