You really coming over, don't trick.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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