Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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