That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
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She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
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