Someone shit on the floor
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
