I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
