Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
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