I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
