The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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