Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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