A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
