You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
