dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
