YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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