i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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