I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
