Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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