Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Randomize
