Tell her she can't have a vagina
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I'm at about main and main street
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
