As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I still have a little drunk in my system
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
