Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
