A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I am mentally ready for anal.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
