Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
