Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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