i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
