Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
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i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
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We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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