based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
