I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
