Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
