I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
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I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
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i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I deserve to be covered in dicks