Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
