the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
