I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
