I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
