Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize