I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
