Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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