well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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