Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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