i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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