You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
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And the cops told us we were all naked.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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