Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
