I'm gonna have a badass scar
I have demons in me.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
