no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
