apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
