She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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