did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Randomize
