oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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