i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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