where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?
I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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