I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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