I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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