I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
