i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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