I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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